Teaching our children body privacy, personal space, and consent

DON'T REQUIRE AFFECTION.

As much as it warms our hearts to see our kids express affection in a healthy way, we will never require or cajole them into it. Yes, this means even to well-meaning grandparents or other trusted family members and friends. If the kids don't want to give someone a hug or a kiss, it is within their power to refuse and we don't allow others to violate that, even adult family members. (This means we will absolutely intervene if a child is resisting and an adult swoops in regardless of our child's posture toward them.)

RESPECTING PERSONAL AGENCY.

When others are over at bedtime (or during good-byes), we always say to the kids, “Time to say goodbye/goodnight! Why don't you give everyone a hug or high five or whatever you're comfortable with?” and then you need to leave it up to the children to determine what makes them feel comfortable and safe in that particular moment. Sometimes the entire group gets a round of hugs, whether or not the kids know everyone well. Other times a verbal “good night” is the only thing they offer. This is their prerogative and we as parents should fully support it.

We can encourage affection and polite manners without violating our children's personal agency. Start by offering choices to be verbal, wave, blow a kiss, give a high five, hug, etc. at greetings and goodbyes and go from there.

ONE YES DOESN'T MEAN A FOREVER YES.

We also have to teach our kids that a one-time yes isn't an always yes. Just because you felt like hugging Grandpa or Grandma or Uncle Adren last time they left doesn't mean you're required to hug them this time. This can be a sensitive one with family, but adults must recognize that the child's sense of safety is more important than an adult's feelings of rejection or offense or disappointment. If they don't already understand on their own, any respectful adult that loves the children in their life will understand if they are given an explanation by us as parents.

WORDS AND BODY LANGUAGE SOMETIMES CONFLICT.

When roughhousing or tickling our kids (which they love, of course!), there has to be a strict rule that as soon as anyone in the mix says “don't!” or “stop!” or “no!” it is to cease immediately even if they are still smiling and giggling. It can be confusing when someone is smiling and laughing and also saying no, but we have to teach them that the “no” is even more powerful than the smile. Even if our kids are teasing “stop it!” but actually want us to continue, abruptly stopping and respecting their verbal “no” helps teach them that their words are powerful. Increasingly they will learn to use the right words in the right context while also learning to take the words of others at face value.

Actively help them learn to read body language & signals. Asking permission does not make you a permissive parent, it makes you a respectful one. Once you Model Asking permissions your children are bound to copy the same.

TEACH THEM TO CARE FOR THEIR BODIES.

Another way to teach body consent is by allowing children to have some say over how they take care of their bodies as early as possible. This doesn't mean allowing them to only brush their teeth when they feel like it, but it does mean explaining why certain things will require your intervention for their own safety. “You must brush your teeth so you don't damage them and get a sore mouth, but you can decide whether you do it before or after you put on your jammies”. Do this with food, teaching kids to listen to their body and ultimately bare the consequences of not finishing their dinner if they don't love the food (natural consequence: they get hungry). Teaching children that their bodies belong to them doesn't start with “stranger danger” talks, it starts at the dinner table and in the bath and while getting dressed. It starts with helping them to own and care for their body and to gain a sense of personal agency from a young age.

While teaching body privacy, use anatomically correct names for genitals (this removes the implication that certain parts are shameful or can't be talked about). We also make sure the kids know that sometimes those private parts need to be touched by a safe adult (when helping to bathe, wipe a bottom, or visit the doctor for instance), but when they do need to be touched it is only to clean or briefly examine. It's always quick, and it's never, ever a secret.

DON'T HAVE SECRETS.

Along those same lines, have a guideline in the family that there are no secrets, only surprises. As daddy's birthday is approaching, we might keep his present a surprise, but it's never a secret. While our children are still children, we want them to know and trust that everything is fair game to be shared in our family, especially if it's a 'secret' thing that makes them feel uncomfortable. Rather than calling everything a secret, we differentiate between privacy, surprises, and secrets. If mom and dad need to talk about something that's not appropriate for the kids to be included in, it's not us sharing secrets, it's us talking privately. Banning the word 'secret' from your vocabulary is hard at first, but you get used to it fairly quickly and think it's important for these early years. As the kids get older, begin to introduce the concept of “speaking in confidence” and how and when that's also appropriate.