Sharing & learning to share

Learning to share can be a challenge for young children, but sharing is a skill they need for play and learning throughout childhood. You can help your child learn to share by giving her plenty of time and opportunities to practice. Praise and encouragement for good sharing will help too.

Why sharing is important

Sharing is a vital life skill. It’s something toddlers and children need to learn to make and keep friends and play cooperatively.

Once your child starts having playdates and going to child care, preschool or kindergarten, he’ll need to be able to share with others.

Sharing teaches children about compromise. They learn that if we give a little to others, we can get some of what we want as well. Children who share also learn how to take turns and negotiate and how to cope with disappointment. These are all really important life skills.

Helping your child learn about sharing

Children learn a lot from just watching what their parents do. When you model good sharing and turn-taking in your family, it gives your children a great example to follow.

Children also need opportunities to learn about and practice sharing. Here are some ways to encourage sharing in everyday life:

• Point out good sharing in others. You can say things like, ‘Your friend was sharing her toys really well. That was very kind of her’.
• When you see your child trying to share or take turns, make sure you give lots of praise and attention. For example, ‘I liked the way you let Aziz play with your train. Great sharing!’
• Play games with your child that involve sharing and turn-taking. Talk your child through the steps, saying things like, ‘Now it’s my turn to build the tower, then it’s your turn. You share the red blocks with me and I’ll share the green blocks with you’.
• Talk to your child about sharing before she goes on playdates with other children. For example, you could say, ‘When Aisha comes over, you’ll need to share some of your toys. Why don’t we ask her what she wants to play with?’ You can also talk to your child about sharing before heading off to child care or preschool.

Although it’s important to share, there are some toys that children can keep for themselves. It’s a good idea to put away these special toys when other children come to play at your house. This can help you avoid problems with sharing.

When your child won’t share

Sharing can be a challenge, especially at first. Most children need practice and support to develop this skill.

If your child doesn’t share well, you can try practicing together at home and talking about what you’re doing. For example, ‘Let’s share this banana. You can have some, and I can have some’.

Another strategy is to stay nearby when your child plays with others, encouraging him so he doesn’t forget to share.

There’s no reason to avoid playdates if your child has trouble sharing. Instead, use them as a chance to help your child practice. When she does try to share, you can say exactly what she did well and how proud you are.

Consequences for not sharing

It can help to create consequences when children don’t share. For instance, if siblings are fighting over a toy and not sharing, a reasonable consequence might be to take away the toy from both of them for a short period of time.

When you use consequences for not sharing, it’s important that the consequences relate to the thing that’s being shared – or not shared! For example, if children aren’t sharing a toy train, you might take the train away. Neither child can play with the train, so this feels fair to both. It can also get your children thinking about what they need to do if they want to play with their toy together.

When you think they’re ready, you can give the toy back so your children get another chance to show they can share.

Toddlers

Your toddler probably doesn’t have an understanding of what sharing is. In general, toddlers believe they’re the centre of the world and that everything belongs to them. So consequences for not sharing aren’t likely to help your toddler learn to share. Encouragement and practice are likely to bring better results.

By age three, many children will start to understand the concept of turn-taking. But they might still throw a tantrum if another child takes a toy that they want.

When another child has something your toddler really wants, your child will probably find it very hard to wait his turn. He might even try to get the toy any way he can.